Not exactly parenting advice

I’ve had various friends reach out over the years for advice around parenting. Now, this is a somewhat loaded topic, so I’m going to focus here on books and other resources that I found helpful rather than advice per se. I’m also making this page ‘unlisted’ on my site - so you can find it via direct link but not by navigating the site 🙂.

Articles

“Parenting: Who is it really for?” by Derek Sivers

This blog describes my aspirational approach to parenting. I think about it often. Being truly present with your kids, entering their world, building a deep connection.

Hard to do to the extent described if juggling full-time employment, but still doable in ‘micro’ amounts. The times I’ve done this more are when (i) financial secure and (ii) working a flexible job.

(Of note, the author retired before his kid was born and only had one kid.)

Having Kids by Paul Graham

A classic essay on kids and ambition, by the founder of Y Combinator. Summary: having kids may make you less ambitious, but you should do it anyway and sooner rather than later.

Books around ‘philosophy’ of parenting

Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen

Probably the parenting book that most resonated with me.

Play is how children express themselves, not words. Don’t ask them “how was your day at school?” - roleplay their toys being in school and see what your kid plays out.

Have genuine fun with your kids. Get on the ground with them. Make them laugh.

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A couple others I’ve partially read, and seem good, but need to finish them before I can really share much:

• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
• The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik
• Hold on to Your Kids by Gabor Mate

Practical parenting books

I read a bunch (maybe too many?) books when my daughter was -6 months to 18 months, with practical advice for some of the concrete decisions and phases from the early years (nutrition, sleeping, potty training, habits and discipline). The notable ones:

• Brain Rules for Baby by John Medina - I remember this as being a bit long, perhaps repetitive, but pretty decent and covering a broad base
• Cribsheet by Emily Oster - Emily Oster has written a few ‘data-driven’ parenting books for different phases. This one covers evidence around breastfeeding (breast better if you can), reading to your child (read regularly starting ASAP), TV and screens (ideally zero screens until ~2-3 years), nursery and school choices and more. I’m a fan, even if she’s mostly summarizing research so I don’t have to read it myself.
• The Montessori Toddler by Simone Davies - A worthwhile read, even if you don’t send your kid to a ‘montessori’ school (I didn’t).
• Precious Little Sleep by Alexis Dubief - I remember reading a one great book around sleep training and it being all I needed. I think it was this one, but I didn’t make note and may have been too sleep deprived to remember….
• Oh Crap! Potty Training by Jamie Glowacki - Probably the only book you need on potty training. Worked well for us. Read at some point between 12 and 18 months.

Tools for productive parenting

In general, I think you should aim to be fully present with your kids as much as possible. But if you need to work for economic reasons, then there are times when you’re going to have to juggle childcare with getting stuff done.

My approach has been to explicitly divide up my time; defined periods where I’m fully focussed on my kid, and others where I’m multitasking. And not letting those defined periods become too small and infrequent.

In terms of ‘tools’ I found helpful in these multitasking moments (in the early years), it mostly centered on things that could help me keep mobile and adapt to the situation (baby wants to move, doesn’t want to move, wants to sleep on me, etc). This is particularly relevant if you work a lot from home. The primary ones were:

• A standing desk - for increasing the versatility of your working position, particularly helpful in combination with;
• A baby sling - many productive sessions where my daughter fell asleep on my chest and I would type away, standing at my desk
• Cordless, bluetooth headphones - so you can walk around and keep listening to audio / having a conversation

Other misc thoughts and advice

• You probably won’t regret having spent more time or being more present with your kids when you’re older.
• You should probably have kids before you feel you’re “fully ready” (you’re never fully ready).
• Take a lot of photos and videos. It’s an endless joy to look back on these. (You of course also want to live in the moment - one approach I take is to film a precisely 1-minute snapshot of a new experience, then get back to being present.)
• Balance bikes are great for learning to cycle. They’re bikes without pedals, so your kid can use them from ~2 years and learn to balance - the idea being that they can transition to cycling with pedals much easier. Was definitely true in my daughter’s case.
• The world is going to look very different by the time your kid is an adult. Lots of things to navigate as a parent that parents have never navigated before. For me, this is an argument for investing more time and effort in parenting; and making conscious decisions which may or may not follow the ‘conventional wisdom’. (How to think about education? What to prioritize? What about internet and social media? What about AI usage? You probably won’t find answers to these in books.)